When Death Occurs

Condolences

The Funeral

Children At A Funeral

When Death Occurs

Home:
When a person dies at home, you should notify a funeral director immediately.  They will advise you of the proper procedures to follow in having the body transferred from the residence. 

Hospital:
When a death occurs at a hospital, the family should first call the funeral director of its choice.  The funeral director will discuss with the hospital authorities any procedures that are necessary to have the body transferred.

Autopsy:
If the family grants permission for an autopsy, the person responsible or the next of kin must sign a statement authorizing the autopsy

In some circumstances the coroner or medical examiner may require the autopsy.  In all deaths it is advised that the family contact the funeral director of choice. 

Clergy:
It is proper to notify the clergy following the death.  They can offer words of reassurance and make themselves available for consultation and convenience to the family.

Funeral Director:
The family may call the funeral director at any hour of the day or night.  They are prepared to offer qualified personnel to assist the family.

Death Away From Home:
When a person dies away from home, it is good practice for the survivors to immediately contact the funeral director in the area where the deceased resided.  The funeral director can properly advise the family in returning the body to the local area.

Death/Obituary Notice:
Death/Obituary notices are appropriate for notification of death.  The funeral director works closely with the newspaper staff and can assist the family in seeing the death is properly reported.  A charge is often made by newspapers when a death is placed in the obituary column. 

Relatives:
Relatives of the deceased should be notified by a member of the family or friend as soon as possible.

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Condolences

Flowers:
Sending a floral tribute is one way of expressing sympathy to the family.  A floral tribute can either be sent to the funeral home or the residence.  When ordering flowers the florist will aid you in appropriate selection.  To reflect the interest of the family, personalized and creative arrangements add to the uniqueness of the individual service.

The funeral director will assist the family with floral tributes received at the funeral home so they may be properly acknowledged following the services.

Memorial Gifts:
Memorial gifts are socially accepted.  Appropriate cards may be obtained from your local funeral director.  The family can name a favorite charity or other memorial fund.

Sympathy Card:
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance is good practice and is meaningful to the family.

Telephone Call:
A telephone call to the residence is much appreciated by the family.  Out of respect to the family it is important to keep your conversation as brief as possible.

E-Mail:
Sending an email is good practice and meaningful to family members

Food:
Food and grocery items (i.e., paper supplies) are always appreciated by the family at this time.  Be sure to identify your food container, so it can be properly returned to the sender.  Disposable containers are appropriate.

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The Funeral
The family should consult with the funeral director and clergy or other person in charge of church, funeral home, residence or other appropriate facilities.

Visitation/Calling Hours:
Visitation/calling hours provides a time and place for friends to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy.  The deaths notice can designate the hours of visitation when the family will be preset or open visitation can be indicated.

People should use their own judgment on how long they should remain at the funeral home or place of visitation.

Sympathy Expressions:
If the family is present when a person calls at the funeral home, sympathy can be expressed with a handshake, a hug, recalling a memory of the person or a simple statement of condolence such as:

            “My sympathy to you”

            “It was good to know John”

            “John was a fine person and friend, He will be missed”

            “My sympathy to your mother”

 

The family members in return may say:

            “Thanks for coming”

            “John talked about you often”

            “I did not realize so many people cared”

 

Paying Respects:
In paying respects it may be customary to view the body and to offer support through your presence and words of encouragement.  Offer personal comments about the deceased or how he or she will be remembered such as:

            “I will remember our college days”

            “John enjoyed life”

            “He certainly had a lot of friends”

These remarks tend to add further emotional stress and are inappropriate:

            “You can have other children”

            “He is better off now”

            “Only the good die young”

Register Book:
Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register book.  A person’s full name and address, if requested, should be listed in a manner that would identify them to the family.  If the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation.

Pallbearers:
Protocol and etiquette stipulate that friends, relatives, church members, fraternal members or business associates may serve as pallbearers.  If the family would prefer, the funeral director can provide pallbearers.

Honorary Pallbearer:
When the deceased has been prominent in political, business, church or civic circles, it is appropriate for the family to request a few associates of the deceased to serve as honorary pallbearers.  They do not actively assist in carrying the casket, serving only in an honorary capacity.

Dress:
All persons attending the funeral should be appropriately dressed, so as to show dignity and respect to the family and the mourners.  Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate.

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Children At A Funeral
Often children are shielded from the knowledge of a death in the immediate family.  Psychological studies have shown that children should be given full opportunity to express their grief.  The following are suggestions on advising children of death and the funeral at different age levels.

Up to Age 2:
Infants and toddlers cannot understand death, but they do feel the loss of the one who was there to nurture and care for them.

Age 2-4:
Children at two, three or four years of age have little understanding of the meaning of death.  The death should be shared with the child either by viewing or attempting to explain what has happened.

Age 5-7:
A child of five, six or seven has a feeling for loss, but is not easy to grasp.  It must be explained.  Answer the questions in simple terms.  Let them know a death has taken place by being present at the funeral home and funeral service.  Clinical studies show that denying a child the experience of sharing his loss through emotions may result in adjustment problems later.

Age 8-9:
A child of eight or nine has the capacity to grasp life’s mysteries.  They will remember the experience vividly.  Don’t avoid letting them attend the service.  They have emotions too, and should be expressed.

Age 10-12:
A youngster ten, eleven or twelve has the emotions of love and a deep feeling of loss.  They know what death is and will want to be helpful so as to resolve their feelings of loss.  Include them in the arrangements and service.

Age 13-16:
To the adolescent, they may want to shelter their guilt feelings.  They are not easily understood.  They may refrain from emotions or expressions, but clinical studies show that teenagers often have more intense grief than any other age group.  Encourage friends to share their grief and attend the service.  This gives the support they need.  They want to think of themselves as adults, so treat them as such.

Each child is a unique individual and because of a variety of influences, such as age, personality and social and religious background, certain guidelines should be followed in the discussion of death:

1.    The individual child should be the main factor considered

2.    The child should be consulted and encouraged to participate, but not forced.

Each child is an individual.  All children will not react the same.  They want to share in the experience.

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